she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
