He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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