Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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