I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
