i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
