Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
