theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
