I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
