I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
