just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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