Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
