things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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