a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
