Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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