you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
