the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
