i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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