fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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