2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
