I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
