Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
