kristin has been a bad kristin
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
