I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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