dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
