An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
