You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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