Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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