he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
