i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
