So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
