I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
