i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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