im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
