My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I deserve this hangover.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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