I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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