She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
