listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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