Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
