I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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