Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize