best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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