What a fucking waste of an outfit
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
