Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
