The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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