so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
