someone owes me an orgasm
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
