And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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