saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
