i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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