Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
