I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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