You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
