No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
