i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
