I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
