I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
