i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
