a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
