My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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