When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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