Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
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You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
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I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.