I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME