just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
