DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.